Clink, clink, clink. Metal softly taps against glass as I go round and round the table, meticulously preparing each luncheon place-setting. Salad fork, entree fork, salad fork, entree fork, salad fork, entree fork - mindless activity giving me time to think. Today I slide back into the routine of working as a banquet server, but my heart and mind are somewhere else. I think about the future, where the Lord is taking me and everything that that entails. Excitement and fear, faith and doubt, awe and disbelief swirl around inside of me making me feel dizzy with anticipation. In a little over 3 months my life is going to drastically change. I have been through many transitions in the past, but nothing like this. How do I even prepare myself for the greatest adventure I have ever faced? But let me back up and explain myself...
6 weeks ago I returned from a fabulous missions trip to Ecuador. I wrote about it previously - all the beautiful places that I went to, all the beautiful faces that I saw and all the beautiful lessons that the Lord dropped into my spirit. But something that I intentionally omitted from my account (because it was still too raw and underdeveloped) was a thought that began to gnaw on the edge of my mind while I was in Ecuador. "What if I came back?" I tried over and over to smother that thought. Remember, the Lord was teaching me how to let go of my need to figure things out. I would tell myself - I am not here to be distracted by "what's next?" I am here to fully be and fully experience. - But the thought had taken root in the soil of my mind. The ministry we were working with, Global Children's Movement, had a meeting with everyone on the team who was interested in coming back for an internship. Part of me wanted to stay as far away from that meeting as I could, to rebel against the thought that continued to grow. But, I mean, what could it hurt? It was a meeting, not signing a contract. So I went... No loud trumpets. No thundering voice from the sky. No sign flashing in front of my eyes. It was simply an informational meeting. It sounded incredible, but I could tell you all the reasons why it wasn't for me, not now anyway.
As I returned to the States I thought "Oh good, after a week or so of transitioning back into my normal routine, everything will be fine. This ever growing thought will diminish into nothing. And I will carry on with my plans as if nothing happened." But this thought did anything but diminish. It became a flourishing, overgrown plant that consumed every crevice of my mind. Every pro and every con ran in front of me like a ticker-tape. Every day I changed my mind. Even from hour to hour I would get a different idea of what I was going to do. I started seeing "signs" in everything: this verse means I should go home, that sermon means I should go to Ecuador, God's telling me to wait, I'm supposed to go after it now. "Stop! STOP!" I wanted to scream, not so much at the growing idea, but at the constant turmoil, the state of limbo of simply not knowing. "Ellie, what do you want to do?" "You don't have to be afraid of making the wrong choice." "God gives us a choice because He trusts us to be powerful." All these things people would say to encourage me, and it did to an extent. But I already knew these things in my mind, and they didn't bring any peace.
After a couple weeks of this, I woke up one morning and made my decision. If you asked me, I honestly could not tell you how I finally made that decision. I think it came though simply starting to walk in one direction, seeing if I would feel peace as I did. And sure enough, as I actually began moving forward, certain doors began opening up, other doors closed, things fell into place, and I find myself hitting Submit on an acceptance letter to the invitation for an internship in Ecuador. Here were the biggest factors, the pillars of truth that I couldn't ignore and that helped me go forward with one of the craziest decisions I have ever made: 1) I have always dreamed of living in a Spanish-speaking country, of immersing myself in the culture, speaking the language, getting to know the people. 2) The founder and director of Global Children's Movement, Jennifer Toledo, has been one of my greatest heroes. To have the opportunity to position myself under her ministry and serve her vision is too good to pass up. 3) Everything that this ministry is focused on is so much a part of who I am and what I am passionate for. They are focused on social justice, transformation, loving individuals, and empowering the next generation. Being a part of this ministry will allow me to grow in ways that I cannot yet imagine.
My upcoming year was so perfectly planned out, or so I thought, until Jesus came and with one swoop of His arms, wiped all the charts, diagrams, and layouts off of my table. He then lay a clean parchment of paper on top of this table. With a pen and ink, He began to sketch a blueprint. It took me by surprise, the outline being so different than what I had thought would develop. All I could do was stand by in shock and watch. So this is what it means to yield your life to the Lord. This is what it looks like to give over control of your future to the only One trustworthy. Part of my heart began to mourn as I had to say No to some things that I had truly hoped for and dreamed about. But then my heart leaped back to life inside of me as He leaned over to me and whispered, "I will anoint your No so that you can say Yes to something even greater."
So here I am, home for the summer, working at a job that I didn't plan on having, dreaming of what my life will be like in 3 short months. Dreams are so funny; we feel safe having them as long as we have the safety cushion of knowing that it is for sometime in the future. As long as I can keep my crazy, big dreams at arms length away, I'm OK. But once you realize that your own dream is upon you, that it is a reality and attainable, that you actually standing on one of those moving walkways, quickly approaching it whether you walk forward or not, EVERYTHING changes. I have walked through more doubts and struggles and fears in these past 6 weeks than I would care to share about. But at the same time, I feel the Lord's hand of grace upon me. There is no way that I would be moving to a foreign country with hardly any idea of what I will be doing if it were not for His grace. So thus begins the journey...
