Security of a different kind

Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy.  No, I'm not jumping out of airplanes or chasing tornadoes, seeking the thrill factor.  (At least not at this point.)  No, it's more of a lifestyle that feels crazy because it doesn't fit into the cultural "norm".  In fact, at times I feel as though my lifestyle is pushing in exact opposition of the strong current of our society.  What sort of picture does our society paint of the lifestyle that we need to arrive at in order to be truly happy and successful?

Security.  Everyone strives for this idea.  A life that is completely secure, an education that secures a title, a job that secures all life's needs, friends that secure a social life, insurance that secures protection for your health, car, and home,  investments and savings that secure a perfect retirement?  Sign me up!  Without these securities we feel completely vulnerable to all of life's spiteful calamities.  We build entire empires around ourselves to protect us from the possibility of ending up unsuccessful, unhappy, without a plan and all alone.

By no means am I suggesting that any of these things are inherently "bad".  Scripture is constantly endorsing hard work, diligence, prudence, wisdom, etc...  These are all a part of His plan to extend the Kingdom on the earth!  What I am addressing is the motive.  What happens if the Lord asks us to lay down one of these securities?  Is there a trusting heart that lies within the walls of our empires?  Or will our fear and insecurity be unveiled?

I can be really honest, my heart felt exposed, laid bare, fearful and vulnerable when the Lord asked me if I would give Him the need to have a "secure" life.  He asked me if I could let HIM be my security.  Isaiah 28:16 says, "See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone, a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation; the one who relies on it will never be stricken with panic."  Could I live a lifestyle of relying on Jesus as my sure foundation?  Of course any of us would say that our security comes from Jesus, but when it really comes down to it, can we choose to live that way?

A majority of what I am doing right now consists of ministry to the Lord.  Pursuit of His face.  Pouring out myself in the place of worship and prayer.  Discovering the truth of who God is and declaring it back to Him.  Letting His love spill over from the place of worship and into the community.  Partnering with God's heart in contending for revival in the earth, for transformed lives and cities.  And this is my very heartbeat, where I find my passion and purpose colliding.  But still at the back of my mind was this nagging thought.  Is this kind of life actually legitimate?  Isn't this just wasting your time?  You could be out there building your life and your ministry, but instead you are worshipping and praying.  I knew the truth of what God had placed inside of me, but it was like the mainstream voice of society was waging war on what I truly believed.

Then I came upon this verse - Deuteronomy 10:8-9, "At that time the Lord separated the tribe of Levi to bear the ark of the covenant of the Lord, to stand before the Lord to minister to Him and to bless in His name, to this day.  Therefore Levi has no portion nor inheritance with his brethren; the Lord is his inheritance, just as the Lord your God promised him."

Levi was the one tribe out of the 12 tribes of Israel that was chosen to serve as priests who would minister to the Lord.  When the children of Israel crossed into the Promised Land, the land was divided amongst the tribes as their inheritance, except for the tribe of Levi.  They were not given land to toil and occupy.  Their inheritance was to steward the presence of God!

This example has now become a picture of what each of us are called to as children of God.  1 Peter 2:9 says, "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."  As priests, each of us are now called to minister to the Lord in the holiness of His presence!  It is our great privilege and our inheritance.

As the Lord revealed this to me, I began to see the great validity of what I am doing.  The actual expression of a life of ministry before the Lord may change over time and with the passing of each season, but at the end of the day I know that my number one calling is to simply love on Jesus.  And for now it looks like the Levites, having His presence as my inheritance instead of pursuing all other inheritances.  I know it looks foolish.  But He seems to like to use the foolish things as opposed to the things that make sense to us.

Singing in the Slums

Autumn is gracefully beginning to trim the edges of this Pennsylvania city.  Hints of reds and golds are set against the backdrop of dazzling blue skies.  Crisp mornings are accompanied with hot teas, the crunch of leaves underfoot, and the satisfaction of being caught up in such a lovely life.  I always dreamt of being on the east coast to witness the transformation of summer to fall.  I never thought that such a thing would happen in all seriousness, but apparently Jesus wanted me to experience that dream!  This morning I was on a walk with Jesus and I couldn't help throwing my head back and laughing at the sky.  I just love living life, walking alongside of Him.  He always leads me into good things.  Sometimes it's a nerve wrecking journey of uncertainty but the point never was the outcome, it has always been doing life together.  And what I have already been able to be a part of here in Harrisburg has been worth all of the trusting and following.

This past week our Burn family split up into groups and went to different street corners in our neighborhood to do worship and minister to anyone nearby.  Let me paint a picture of the neighborhood we live in, Allison Hill...

Known in Harrisburg as the roughest neighborhood in the city, Allison Hill is home to mostly low-income families and individuals.  It is basically the slums of Harrisburg.  Every street is covered in trash.  Almost every building is run down and covered in graffiti.  People aimlessly wander the streets and alleys, having really no where to go and nothing to do.  Poverty lies like a heavy blanket over the area, providing absolutely no escape routes.  Outside my window I can daily hear the sound of sirens flying by.  Crime is like a disease in this neighborhood.  Most days, drug deals take place right out in the open.  Theft, murder and prostitution are all normal.

I see the little kids running down our alley, just babies, and this is the only world that they know.  Just yesterday we drove by a drug deal taking place around the block and one of the guys had his 2-year old son with him, holding his hand.  This is normal here.  From the day these kids are born, they don't have a chance.  How can they?  This is their reality.

Throughout the week many of the kids will play in our yard as we have a nice big spot of grass perfect for games.  I see the light in their eyes as they get chased around by one of our guys or hear their laughter coming in joyful bursts as we give them piggy-back rides and spin them around 'til they are completely dizzy.  And I know that Jesus wants to give these little ones a hope filled future.  Jesus wants to bring transformation to this community.  Jesus wants to restore broken families.  Honestly, Jesus wants to be out on the streets picking up the trash.  Wasn't that what He came to do?  Didn't he come to pick up all the billions of scattered pieces... one by one?

Anyway, back to my story of our worship time...  My team went to a little park 3 blocks from our house.  It was this beautiful, little, garden-like park that I assume belongs to the church across the street, because all the fences have verses and proclamations of hope and transformation painted on them.  We were stoked to find instruments that had actually been built into the park - xylophones, bongos, chimes, etc...  So with our guitar, percussion instruments and voices we released a sound over our community.  Joyful songs of celebration.  Clapping, stamping, spinning, dancing.  Drum beats of freedom.  Melodies of hope.  Laughter in the face of such great poverty.  Laughter because it's a new day!

If anything it was so much fun.  There we were standing amongst the rubble of a community plagued by a dark and oppressive spirit, a neighborhood that locals warn us against living in, and we were celebrating the reality of the Kingdom we are a part of.  Romans 14:17 "For the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit."

People might wonder, "Why are you living there?"  "What is that really accomplishing?"  But during that little, unorganized worship time where people looked on at us as they walked by on the streets, I felt something flutter in my heart.  It wasn't a bolt of lightening, but the beginning of a strong "knowing" in my spirit.  This is my land.  I live here because Holy Spirit called me here and therefore it is my spiritual territory.  I want to occupy this land and take back all the Enemy has stolen.  I have come to realize that the culture in me is greater than the culture around me.  Even if I am stepping into the darkest, Hell-struck city in the whole world, the Kingdom of Heaven is inside of me!  Whether it be through intercession, worship sets, praying for people on the streets or picking up trash, by living in this neighborhood and occupying the land, light will invade the darkness!

I am so excited to partner with Holy Spirit as well as with my family here in Harrisburg to see transformation in Allison Hill.  We are going to continue to hit the streets, doing worship sets, evangelism, and whatever the Lord leads us to do.  We want to continue to love on the kids in the neighborhood and see them encounter Jesus.  There is also a girls group that we are starting up for a handful of teenage girls that some of the girls in the house already have relationship with.  And who knows what else will come out of this house.  We are a community that believes Jesus when He tells us to pray, "Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven."  














(Photos found on http://photos.pennlive.com/pennlivecom_photo_essays/2012/08/culturally_diverse.html#photo-11421644)

Isaiah 55

Have you ever had one of those unsuspecting moments when you know you have just stumbled upon the very breath of God coming off of the pages of Scripture like a mighty wind and blasting you in the face?  You just can’t miss it at that point.  It’s not an “Oh I think I just felt a slight breeze” moment.  It’s that gust that blows your hair in all directions, causes you to hold onto your purse so it doesn’t fly away, and makes you brace yourself so you don’t fall over.  The LORD is speaking!

Well I had that happen to me this week and it all started with me seeing the numbers 555.  For a couple days I literally saw 555 everywhere - phone numbers, receipts, license plates, gas stations, etc...  So it became apparent to me that Jesus was trying to get my attention.  I looked up the only 2 scriptures that have the reference 555.  Psalm 55:5 was definitely NOT what He was speaking.  (You can look it up or take my word for it... :) )  And the only other one was Isaiah 55:5.  “Surely you shall call a nation you do not know, and nations who do not know you shall run to you, because of the LORD your God, and the Holy One of Israel; For He has glorified you.”  In my mind I was thinking, That’s awesome Jesus.  I know I’m called to nations so, I mean, that’s a nice verse, but I don’t understand why you would highlight this scripture to me.  Then He had me read the context of that verse.  (Always read context!)

Isaiah 55 begins with a call - COME!  Everyone who is thirsty, COME to the waters.  Even if you don’t have money, COME buy and eat.  COME enjoy the abundance of heaven!  Basically, God is addressing the concerns and needs that get in the way of us coming and entering into His fullness.  He is saying - It doesn’t matter if you are in need.  It doesn’t matter if you are in lack.  It doesn’t matter if you have nothing to offer.  Come anyway.  I will take care of all your needs and satisfy you with the goodness of My presence.

This hit the nail on the head.  Ever since moving here to Harrisburg I have been declaring my undying devotion to God.  - God I trust You!  I trust You to be my provider.  I trust You to fulfill all Your promises.  I trust  You to lead me into the fullness of what You have for me.  But doubt slowly crept in and tried to trip me up at the doorway to His presence..  Will God really take care of me?  Is He truly faithful to His promises?  How is everything going to work out.  Am I really hearing His voice?  But in vs. 1-2, He says that I don’t have to worry.  He’s totally got me covered.  Just COME in and lay those concerns at the doorstep.

Vs. 3-4 then go on to talk about a covenant - a promise made of the Lord, an extravagant inheritance that will be a testimony to the whole world of how truly good God is.  The details of this promise are laid out in vs. 5-7...

• Nations shall run to you
• You shall be glorified
• The wicked will give up his ways
• The unrighteous man will give up his way of thinking
• They will both turn back to God
• God will be extravagant in His forgiveness and restoration of those who turn to Him

To sum it up, there will be a world-wide harvest and God wants it to come through us!

The LORD immediately spoke to me.  Ellie, you are praying the wrong prayers.  You are stuck thinking about your immediate needs and concerns.  I already told you that I completely have you covered.  You don’t have to worry about that at all.  Instead, you need to expand your thinking.  You need to be asking Me for the nations as your inheritance!

As I looked at the next verse I knew this was clearly God speaking to me.  Vs. 8-9 say that His thoughts are so much greater than our thoughts and His ways are so much higher than our ways.  So much conviction hit me in that moment.  I had given into “little thinking.”  I was missing out on His standard of living because I was focusing on all the wrong things.

How often do we allow all the insignificant worries of life come into our homes and exalt themselves to positions of rulership?  We hand over the keys to our house and say, “I am now giving you the say on how things are run around here.”  But then when we stand before the face of God and gaze upon His greatness, we are jolted back into an awareness of how truly insignificant all those concerns are.  Therein lies the revelation that the more we stare at the face of God, the less we will be tripped up by “little thinking.”  So that’s my cry.  God keep me in that place of awareness of Your greatness!  Don’t let me relinquish my role as a daughter or my inheritance through Your covenant with me.  I will keep coming in, no matter what may be the reality of my situation.  I will make You my reality!

There is so much more revelation in Isaiah 55 that I could go on and on about, but the essence of what He revealed to me was actually in Isaiah 55:5.  Nations.  He’s reminding me why He brought me to Harrisburg.  He wants to give me a greater understanding of His heart for the nations of the world.  I may not be overseas or doing the "normal" missionary thing, but He wants to use me and teach me how to contend for the nations, to contend for a world-wide harvest while I am here in my own nation.  That is my vision in giving myself to spending my time in a house of prayer environment.  I may not see how it all works out quite yet, but He is reshaping the way I think and the way I pray.  Yay God!

Isaiah 55

1“Ho! Everyone who thirsts,
Come to the waters;
And you who have no money,
Come, buy and eat.
Yes, come, buy wine and milk
Without money and without price.
2Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
And your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
And let your soul delight itself in abundance.
3Incline your ear, and come to Me.
Hear, and your soul shall live;
And I will make an everlasting covenant with you—
The sure mercies of David.
4Indeed I have given him as a witness to the people,
A leader and commander for the people.
5Surely you shall call a nation you do not know,
And nations who do not know you shall run to you,
Because of the Lord your God,
And the Holy One of Israel;
For He has glorified you.”
6Seek the Lord while He may be found,
Call upon Him while He is near.
7Let the wicked forsake his way,
And the unrighteous man his thoughts;
Let him return to the Lord,
And He will have mercy on him;
And to our God,
For He will abundantly pardon.
8“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
9“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
10“For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven,
And do not return there,
But water the earth,
And make it bring forth and bud,
That it may give seed to the sower
And bread to the eater,
11So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
It shall not return to Me void,
But it shall accomplish what I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
12“For you shall go out with joy,
And be led out with peace;
The mountains and the hills
Shall break forth into singing before you,
And all the trees of the field shall clap theirhands.
13Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree,
And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree;
And it shall be to the Lord for a name,
For an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

The 333 House

The last box is unpacked, the clothes are hung up, the books are put away.  I am officially settled into the 333 house but still trying to find my way around this massive house.  This historic mansion was previously used by a Mennonite ministry but is now a home for almost 20 missionaries.  The house is composed of YWAM staff members, "Circuit Riders" (a ministry that travels to Ivy league universities doing evangelism), and Burn 24/7 members (that's me!).

This truly is the embodiment of community living centered around the presence of God!  I have only been here for a week but am already falling in love with this kind of expression of the Body.  We are not all doing the same thing or a part of the same ministry but there is a unity that has been established in the fact that we are all of a united pursuit.  We are all pursuing the face of God.  We are all pursuing transformation in this city and region.  We are all pursuing a lifestyle of representing the Kingdom in all that we do.  We are all pursuing family.

To get an idea of what kind of culture has been established in this home:

- The 333 House is a place of peace, and has an atmosphere of rest. Matt 5:9

- We commit to out-doing one another in honor, service, and love. Phil 2:4

- We are joy-filled servants, and always hospitable to guests.

- We will commit to having unoffendable hearts and will be quick to forgive.

So far we have had family times, meals together, worship nights, game nights, etc...  There is so much life that is released through together!  I am becoming more and more convinced that we will never truly see the fullness of God if we choose to live in any form of isolation.  In no way to I mean removing the secret place with Jesus.  But if I devalue the importance of truly allowing people to have a place in my life, I miss out on each unique revelation of the Father that each person carries.  We together are the fullness of Jesus.

Along with the beautiful culture that is going on inside this house, there is also a beautiful outward expression.  We are located in the center of Harrisburg's ghetto district.  It is incredible the level of poverty here and how it affects everything.  It's not just an issue of income, but an entire way of living that and a poverty mindset that holds these people in bondage.  There is so much opportunity to see transformation in this area!  We are literally living in the hardest and darkest place in Harrisburg but we carry a presence that is so much greater.  Since we are living on the land, we get to take authority over it.  We get to shape the culture.  I am so excited to see what Holy Spirit has in mind and how I will get to partner with His creativity!

The Intro to the Burn internship starts up next week!  Could it get any better?

Within the context of Home

What if I had my house on a string, able to take it with me everywhere my feet would wander?  All the comforts of home conveniently only as far away as the few porch steps up to the front door.  What if my house had sails and could fly like a kite, and I could travel over the seven seas while still safe on my well worn sofa?  What if I could write letters at my own kitchen table and then hand deliver them all around the world on the same day?  What if the vagrant lifestyle could coexist with the home life?

I am called to the nations.  That presents me with a dilemma.  My heart has always longed for home.  No, I'm not a homebody.  I don't get homesick.  I'm not even really referring to the home that I grew up in.  In all honesty, I am an adventurer, a pioneer, a traveler.  I get restless leg syndrome when I sit around in one place for too long.  I just want to see what lies around the bend.  So what do I mean when I talk about longing for home?

According to the dictionary home is "a place where something flourishes, is most typically found, or from which it originates."  Home is the environment in which you thrive, where you are able to fully be you and where the most fruit comes out of your life.  Home is where you belong, where you know and are known.  A fish is at home in water.  A bird is at home in flight.  A baby is at home in his mother's arms.  A song is at home in a cathedral.  Paint is at home on a canvas.  Tap shoes are at home on the feet of a dancer.  It's not four walls built out of wood or brick.  Home is the collision of passion and purpose.  And it's not just doing what you were born to do, but doing it alongside people you love.

In my limited perspective, I have always thought "being called to the nations" could be summed up as... lonely, displaced, always a stranger in a foreign land, never truly belonging anywhere and far, far, FAR away from home.  This idea was anything but appealing to me.  I rejected the word about the nations, or at best, "put it on the shelf" for a future lifetime.

I would have people come up to me and prophesy that they saw nations over me, God was sending me out to all nations of the world.  God they must be confusing me with someone else.  I'm not that girl who can't wait to live in a village hut for the rest of her life.  That's not me!  Or I would get the word that I was going to be like a gypsy, never staying in one place for very long.  Now that's definitely not me!  I just want to belong somewhere, to invest into some place that I can call home.  Thus unfolded the dilemma.  

Well I guess God must have shifted my heart...  I somehow found myself signing up to live in South America for 9 months.  And I moreover found myself in love with the world, the Psalm 2 promise becoming one of my greatest passions.  (Psalm 2:8 "Ask of me, and I will give you the nations for your inheritance, and the ends of the earth for your possession.")  

So have I sentenced myself to a lonely, displaced life far from home?  Am I denying myself the vanilla ice cream by choosing the chocolate instead?  Does it have to be either-or?  Or could it be possible to have both?

Jesus has been gently and not-so-gently reminding me of my desire for home.  He has shown me that it is in fact more than just a desire, but is essential for every human being in order to truly thrive.  What's the point of stepping into your life's calling if you feel alone and unsheltered?  Isn't that why so many missionaries come back tired and defeated?  It's like the child who whimpers out through broken sobs, "I just want to go home."  We all know what it feels like.  So why do we try to push past that?  Shouldn't our lives, whether simple or great, all be lived within the context of home?  Home should be a reality that we carry with us wherever we go - a reality that we belong even when our feet wander throughout the world.

We all know the old proverb, "Home is where the heart is."  But do we truly know what that means?  I think that this is the desire of every human being, to have our hearts rooted in a place that is safe, a place that we belong.  It should become a measuring stick for our lives.  Am I at home in this environment?  Am I at home in this relationship?  Am I at home with Jesus?  And when we know that we are home in our hearts, why not take that place on a string and go wherever the Lord is leading?
Just a thought...

If you were having chai tea with me...

This moment would appear to be everything tranquil and relaxed - I'm cozied up on our couch in the sunroom with my coconut chai tea, listening to Yann Tiersen piano music an watching the approaching rain storm roll in...  Perfectly serene, right?  And yet my brain seems to be running a full on Marathon.  My thought life has been a swirly disarray of contemplation, internal processing, details, futuristic thoughts, and who knows what else.  All good things, just a LOT.  It's like my mind is running on overload, making up for lost time. Let me explain.

When I got back from Ecuador almost 4 months ago I was what you could call a little burnt out.  At the time I didn't have language to explain what I was experiencing.  All I knew was that I was tired, really tired.  Everything was tired - my body, my mind, my emotions, my spirit, etc...  And I was so ready to come home for a while and enter into a season of "rest."  I had it all figured out in my mind.  I would come home and spend the first month not doing any work or ministry but just do all the things that made me come alive.  I would get rested and filled back up and then be ready to jump into the next ministry opportunity that I felt like the Lord had laid out for me.  Well that idea was nice until I got home and found that nothing brought me joy or life.  Instead of getting filled up and rejuvenated in the "still waters" oasis season that I was expecting, Jesus led me into the desert where He proceeded to strip me of EVERYTHING.  

Like I wrote in my only blog post in June, (Writing became almost impossible for me in that state.  It seems He was stripping me of that too,) it was a super vulnerable place for me.  I normally have a plan, things figured out to some degree or something concrete and valid to show people that I am doing something productive and or meaningful with my life.  During that time in the desert, I fought so hard to get out of the desert and back to the fruitful fields where my life had purpose.  I so desperately wanted to climb out of that place of barrenness and nakedness, but I literally didn't even have the strength to pretend that I was OK, much less to forge my own way back to my ideal world of "purpose."

Anyway, after 2 painful months of striving with the very place that Jesus had me in, I finally gave in to what He wanted to do in me there.  I'm not even kidding, the shift was almost immediate.  Within a couple of days I heard God speak to me about going to a worship school in Harrisburg, PA called Hillside Intensive.  2 weeks later I found myself in a crazy environment of continual, radical worship, an incredible community of people with the united pursuit of God's presence, and the healing, rejuvenating oasis that I had tried so hard to find on my on.  It was there that the Lord healed my heart, reawakened dreams, stirred up my passion and gave me clarity about my future and calling.

Worship set at the Hillside

Well long story short, I am moving back to Harrisburg in a couple of weeks to run with a ministry called Burn 24-7.  It has been a crazy journey of trusting the Lord, seeing Him put pieces together, opening doors and converging so many of my dreams in one place.  At this point I'm still having a difficult time doing justice the word that God has put in my heart and painting a picture of what I'm heading into.  And over the next few months I am sure I will be able to do that a whole lot better as these first few months are mostly about getting to know the heart and DNA of the ministry, establishing and living in presence centered community and beginning to pioneer some new aspects of the ministry.

A little bit about Burn 24-7.

Sunrise over Harrisburg

The mission of BURN 24-7 is to plant a sustainable furnace of 24-7-365 worship, prayer and explosive supernatural outreach releasing a sound of indigenous, creative, vertical worship in every community, people group, city and nation in the world.

Our vision is simply to answer the cry of God throughout the history of humanity for a “resting place” (Isaiah 66) to be established so His Spirit can collide with a broken humanity.

Only in a posture of beholding Him, can we hope to become like Him to the rest of the world. As we obey and respond to the first commandment of Jesus to “love the Lord your God with all your heart” we are compelled by His love and goodness to “love your neighbour as yourself” and walk in supernatural signs and wonders carrying His presence into every sphere of society and culture.
(Taken from burn24-7.com, Mission and Vision)

Basically, it comes from the belief that worship and adoration of Jesus is enough to transform our world.  And as every nation and tribe begins to do that in their own tongue and with their own unique sound, we will see world revival.  This ministry is built of the pillars of worship & intercession, ministry within the context of community, raising up burning ones, seeing nations transformed, awakening the church, reviving the arts, basically everything that has been burning in my heart since I left the womb.  Even though I won't necessarily be in the nations like I've thought, being part of this ministry is everything my heart has been longing for and is a set up for me in being successful when He does send me out to the nations.  So all this to say that I am so incredibly excited for this next chapter in my story.  And I am so thankful that the Lord is writing it out for me.  His version is always so much better than anything I could have ever come up with.

I will be able to paint a much better picture as this journey unfolds.  So keep posted!  :)

Dancing my little heart out!

A Letter of Thanks from the Hillside

I find myself seated on the hillside.  Waiting.  Watching.  Participating with the serenity that is around me.  I take in a deep breath.  The air is full of so much more than just oxygen.  There is pure, undiluted life filling my lungs and clearing the fog in my mind.  I appreciate the hillside so much more after having lived in the pollution down below.  How sweet are the banks of the still waters after the barren wasteland!  My thirsty soul drinks in deeply as if tasting water for the very first time.  Bliss!  The old wounds that have been festering and infecting my whole being are slowly mending.  My sick heart begins to heal as I eat the fruit off the tree of life - hope restored, dreams renewed.

Here on the hillside I can see far into the distance.  As the dusk settles, the twinkling lights of the city down below begin to wake up.  There is a sense of something familiar, like being reminded of something you can't fully remember but the feeling it elicited.  I'm able to look back, back on all that was, the path that I walked for so many long days.  I can still taste the dust from the road, still feel the sun beating on my neck, feel the muscles in my legs sore from long and wearisome days.  But from up here I get to see the road in its entirety.  I see where the path started.  I see where it led.  Many would find pleasure and pride in completing the journey.  But self-accomplishment is far from my heart or mind.  Humility gets caught in my throat as I try to open my mouth and speak.  Gratitude gathers in the corners of my eyes and spills over.  I know all too well that I could still be wandering down there in a futile pursuit of self-effort.

How is it that life is so much more of a question than it is an answer?  And the more you seek for answers, the more questions you run into.  It turns into this endless goose-chase for something concrete that may not even exist.  That is when the despair, the panic and the disillusionment crashes in.  They make for terrible traveling companions, but at least they are committed to you.  At some point you must come into the realization that the destination of "answered questions" is not fact but fiction.  There is no arrival.  There is no happy ending to such a vain quest.

So is all hopeless?  Why do we even set out on this road of life?  

His name is Jesus.  He is the road on which we journey, the map that leads us on the way, the compass that sets our hearts on course.  He is the answer to every question, the ultimate reality of truth.  And He is the destination, the reason we are on this journey, the source and the definition of life.  (John 14:6)  When did we lose our First Love?  When did entitlement rob our affections?   When did we allow our rights to become more important than our relationship?  The right to know, the right to understand, the right to be understood, the right to have our lives all put together.  When did the main thing stop being the main thing?

But here I sit on the hillside.  I’m not sure how I even made it up here.  No, wait... I see it now.  I did finally collapse in the middle of my wasteland.  I couldn’t, I just couldn’t exist that way any longer.  With my eyes half swollen shut and my throat completely parched, I chocked out, “I give up!  I give up trying to find my way out of this endless wilderness.  I give up trying to climb out of this cavity in the ground.  I am here.  However long it takes, God I am here.  I will let YOU lead me out of the desert.”  As my tired head fell back down on my arm I suddenly felt someone’s shoulder lift me by my middle.  Nothing more than a dead weight, all I could do was surrender to this unexpected rescue.  Even now I only remember as though it were a hallucination, my consciousness being so fragile at the time.  He carried me up to the hillside.  In the middle of that empty, barren wasteland I had unknowingly collapsed right at the base of mountain.  And that’s where he found me.

By no means did he ever leave me, not at any one point.  Even on the loneliest bend in the road he was there in step with me, chatting in a lighthearted manner, unhurried, unconcerned about my current situation.  He never over spiritualized a thing.  He was just a friend.  And he became a very dear friend out on that dusty road.  And now I get to enjoy the hillside with my dear friend.  I get to enjoy this place of rest, this harbor for my soul, knowing full well that I do not have myself to thank.  It’s my friend who I get to thank.

Here in this place I have found my weary heart beginning to heal.  He has kissed every scar, rubbed balm on all the infected wounds.  He has reminded me of who I am; in all my weaknesses and brokenness I am still the one he chooses.  He has stripped me of those filthy rags that clung to my flesh, the rags of ambition, entitlement, offense, disillusionment.  He has unlocked those deep places in my heart where I store the things I love, the things that make me come alive, the things that make me me.  And He has painted rainbows in my sky, hopes that have materialized into dreams being realized.

Thank you my dear friend.  Thank you my one true love.  All I know to do in response is tell you thank you.