It's time to DISENGAGE!

Just over 24 hours and I am on my way to the most life changing adventure in my life to date!  What is running through my mind at the moment? - you might ask.  A million and one things are flying down the highway of my thought life.  There are the logistical thoughts, everything from my packing lists to when I'm going to shower before I leave.  Do I keep the heat on in the house for the cat?  What music should I have on my iPod?  To bring my laptop, or not to bring my laptop?  Can I eat all the food in the fridge before I leave?  How do I become fluent in 2 days?  The list goes on...  Then I am also mentally, emotionally, spiritually preparing for the trip itself.  How can I be praying for the people on my team?  What connections does the Lord want me to make?  What breakthrough am I contending for?  How am I going to be pushing myself in risk on the trip?  Et cetera, et cetera.  It's crazy how active our minds can become if we give them the space to.  I'm finding that the more I let my run like mad, the harder it is to still the activity.

I heard something in class the other day that completely wrecked me...  Apparently, Heidi Baker was once speaking at a conference where many prestigious, religious leaders were in attendance.  They were expecting some great sermon to be delivered by the renowned Heidi Baker, but Heidi was only able to utter 4 words.  She pointed to her head, "too big," then pointed to her heart, "too small."  As she repeated this sequence of words and actions, people began to break under the anointing of her message.  We have let our heads outgrow are hearts.

Since my ministry trip 2 weeks ago, the Lord has been speaking to me about letting go of control and my need to understand.  My ministry trip was to Meridian Idaho with Joaquin Evans.  Anyone who knows Joaquin knows that any sort of ministry with him will be without any formula or pattern.  His life message is all about the presence of God - we already have the fullness of Christ within us, all we have to do is become aware of what we have, GRACE, it's soooo easy, Ha Ha Ha! (If you know Joaquin, you'll get that :-) )  In the past, I have had a difficult time whenever listening to him speak.  It's like my mind is fighting against what he is saying.  Again, a million thoughts run through my mind... He says it's easy, but I'm not feeling anything.  Am I not focusing hard enough?  Am I doing something wrong?  God, I want to be that hungry for more of your presence, but I'm just not there.  Everyone else is experiencing you and getting whacked, is it OK that I'm not or should I press into what they're experiencing?  Is this God or is this me?.... You get the idea.  Needless to say, I have gotten a TON of breakthrough from many of my insecurities in comparing myself to others.  However, going on the trip with Joaquin did bring back some of those same thoughts.  As my mind was racing, God began to speak to me, "Ellie, you are trying to come up with answers for things that you understand and are creating false theologies that justify why you aren't experiencing my presence.  Stop trying to figure everything out and just embrace me like a child!"

It was the following week that I heard about Heidi's message.  At first, it simply struck me as a beautiful analogy, but the Lord reminded me of it later that day.  The process was somewhat of a pile of tears as I came to some painful realizations...  I have limited God to what I can understand or comprehend.  So often my head gets in the way of what God is doing.  I try to figure out a spiritual kingdom with my physical mind.  It just doesn't work!  The kingdom of God is to be experienced, not analyzed.  It's not a concept, it's a tangible reality.  Yes, God is gives us the spirit of wisdom and understanding, but it is only to lead us into encounters with Him.  If it knowledge does not lead us into an encounter, it just gives us bigger heads and robs our hearts.  My heart's cry is that I would know God as fully God, not just the parts that make sense.

I was skyping one of my closest friends, Stephany, and she was praying for me and my trip.  She said, "I got this word for you and it's kind of funny.  I heard, 'it's time to disengage!'"  Right away I knew what that meant.  A smile crept up my face as she continued.  She said she felt like I needed to let go of my head and not try to understand everything.  So in preparation for the trip, I have really felt like the Lord is leading me to go into this missions trip with a child like spirit, embracing the excitement and the movement of the spirit, without the need to understand what's going on.  I am partnering with grace and letting Him increase the size of my heart.  God lead me by my heart!