Post missions rambling

This past month I have gone into hibernation in many different areas, my blog being one of them.  Maybe I have been rebelling against my love for writing.  Maybe I have run out of things to say.  Maybe the transition of coming home from the mission field has been too much for me to process on a public diary.  Maybe the inspiration has checked out.
Maybe we'll never know...

But for now I'll tell you that, yes, I have been home in Colorado for the past month.  My chapter in Ecuador, that brought me so much growth and reason to love being called to the nations alongside of many difficult challenges and painful pruning, has come to an end.  For the past month I have been at home, licking my wounds and relearning how to connect to my heart.  I have been facing many fears and been learning how to let Jesus fight on my behalf.  I have, for now, set my bloody sword down and sit waiting for whatever lies ahead.

"So Ellie, what are your plans?  What's next?"  This arrow flies at me from a thousand different angles (including coming from myself), penetrating what's left of my armor.  I stagger from the impact of such a loaded question.

I have chosen not to choose.  I have decided not to decide.  As hard as that is for me, my life is not my own, my future belongs to Jesus.  It is a scary place to be in, not knowing.  It is the very place that you get to test drive your TRUST.  Hopefully it works.  If not, we're all screwed.  There is no plan B.  My eggs happen to be in one basket, which may be pretty risky, but it's all I know is sure.  Everything else is simply too faulty.

So I guess part of the reason I haven't written lately is that I don't have any of the answers.  My world is foggy and I don't have anything figured out.  And for me, that is a pretty vulnerable place to be in, leaving me wordless and/or speechless.  But I choose not to live in denial, instead choosing to face my reality and be completely honest with myself.  I will not hide from this feeling of helplessness and weakness.  I choose to be real in a world full of fraud.  It's not easy, but it is my life source.

I sat down to write about my half marathon (haha).  It's interesting to see what comes out when you actually start to write.  Maybe all of that was just a bunch of ramblings.  Maybe it was more.  Maybe it was important for me to say.  Maybe putting all of that into writing will be a turning point.
Maybe we'll never know...