Hello dear readers!
I want to let you all know that I am moving my blog over to my new website.
https://lighthasdawned.squarespace.com
I'm super excited for this new site as I can see it giving me more freedom in my writing and open up more opportunities.
If you want to subscribe to my new blog…
- Go to the blog page of my site - https://lighthasdawned.squarespace.com/blog/
- Scroll down on the left hand side to where it says SUBSCRIBE.
- Type in your email and press the SUBSCRIBE button.
- Type in the verification code.
- An message will be sent to your email inbox and ask for you to click the link to verify your subscription.
Oila!!!
Thank you all for reading my blog! I hope you will continue to follow my writing and my journey.
Blessings!
Ellie
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
Will you follow me?
It was a beautiful day in South America; the brilliant sun that you find when living right on the earth's equator, beat directly upon me. I was laying in a pretty little spot behind my house in Quito, Ecuador, in a walled up garden in the middle of a 3 million person city. I needed the reprieve that garden had to offer. I needed the shelter of those walls. My emotions felt so exposed to this harsh world. The nearness of cruel reality was trying to swallow me whole.
It was there in the grass that I tried to process through what I was feeling and experiencing...
Earlier that day I sat with 20 little girls who were the victims of this cruel reality. Every one of them had been preyed upon by the dark souls of men. Sold into slavery, they had become subject to a living hell of having to sell their tiny bodies. And now, miraculously, they found themselves rescued out of the place of daily physical oppression. But were they really rescued? Were they not still slaves to torment? Were they not still oppressed by the darkness within themselves?
From the first day I met these broken yet beautiful souls, I struggled with this impossible question - what do I have to offer?
What do you say to someone so buried by pain you can't even see them when you look into their eyes? How can you express love through a hug when touch means absolutely nothing?
That morning I had held one of those precious ones in my arms, trying to break through to the spirit that was so hopelessly lost somewhere deep within herself. Tears slowly rolled down her dark little face, yet there was no emotion in her eyes. She didn't fight me holding her, yet neither did she respond to the love I offered, sitting there limp and lifeless like a used up dish-rag.
What do you do with that?
So I retreated to the garden, trying not to succumb to the despair I felt growing inside of me. Emotionally exhausted, I sprawled myself out on the grass, hoping for some alleviation from my turmoil. As I lay there, I felt Jesus come to me and say, "Ellie, I want to take you somewhere."
I was then with Him. We were both mounted on horses, standing on the ledge of a cliff overlooking an infinite valley. This valley was as far as the eye could see. A complete wasteland. No living thing to be found. And strewn across this valley was utter carnage. It was an unimaginable scene. A complete blood-bath. A holocaust unlike anything the earth had ever experienced. Bodies lay everywhere, not just covering the land, but covering the land in layers. There was not a single patch of land that was not covered in blood, filth and distorted flesh.
"Ellie, will you follow me?" Jesus asked the question I most dreaded to hear. I followed his gaze down towards the base of the cliff where there stood a vast and terrible gate. This was the gate of hell. So He wants to storm through the gate of hell? I couldn’t imagine how on earth we would be able to save them all, but I knew that I trusted Jesus. So yes, I would follow Him.
We started making our way down a path that was carved into the side of the cliff. It’s hard to call it a path, because it was more like a random connection of vertical rock faces hazardously protruding form the wall of the cliff. It was a meticulous process trying to guide our horses down the side of the cliff. It felt like the scene in The Return of the King, when Frodo, Sam and Gollum climb up the path into Mordor. But this was worse.
At any moment, I knew I could be joining the scene below me. I could feel the tension in my horse’s body, the strenuous breathing, the sweat on his sides, the sound of scraping from his hooves sliding on the rock. I had to lean back as far as I could, clinging on for dear life, afraid of passing out and sliding off the back of my horse. It felt like an endless path. We were literally dropping into hell. Would we ever reach the bottom?
But then we stopped.
We had reached the entrance that led to the gate. The gate of hell. We paused there for just a moment. A suspense-filled pause. But it wasn’t a hesitation. There was no doubt or uncertainty in the way Jesus stopped and faced Hell. It was a fixation of will. It was a determined pause. It was like the intentional breath of a symphony. An emphasis on what lay ahead.
As we proceeded forward I could feel everything within me screaming to turn around and save myself. Why would anyone ever willingly go into hell? But I knew why. I knew that Jesus had come to claim His just reward. He had paid the price to free every single person from hell. He couldn't just leave them there.
So I followed Him in.
The gate opened before us, receiving us in. It was as if it was glad to usher in more prisoners.
And then it shut behind us. Silence.
There was no movement in this place. It was completely stripped of life. We stood there at the gate. There was nowhere to go. The carnage pressed itself against the door step of hell. My head began to spin. My breathing came in short gasps. I could not focus my vision on anything. The immensity of everything began to impede on my normal body functions. It took all my will power to restrain myself from throwing up or passing out. The screaming in my head just got louder. There was nothing we could do against this. Even with an army of 100,000, all with horses and carts, there was no way we could do anything against the vast number of casualties. The hope was sucked out of my soul.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jesus dismount. Again I followed His gaze and found that it was completely fixed on a body that lay closest to the gate. Jesus fell to His knees where the body lay. As I looked closer, I saw that the body had to have been a girl, maybe 10 years old judging by her size. But it was difficult to make out any human features. She was a distorted mess of flesh, completely torn to shreds. There was nothing left to her. I saw that her chest was still rising and falling, but even that thread of life was so weak and hopeless.
I watched as Jesus wrapped His arms around her frail body and whispered the words, “I will love you. I will love you. I will love you.” With strength and determination He scooped her up, her frame being but a vapor that I knew would escape at any moment.
Jesus mounted His horse and then looked at me. “Ellie, will you follow me?” My stomach completely dropped. I thought that once inside of hell, I would be begging Jesus to leave again. But choosing to follow Him out was even more difficult.
You are going to leave with just one? And one that has no hope of surviving? We risked everything to get down here. I followed you into Hell to take back what has been stolen! At least we have to save as many numbers as we can.
But there was urgency in the way Jesus looked at me and asked that question, “Ellie, will you follow me?” Time was everything. So I turned my horse to follow His.
I braced myself to make my way up the path again, but then the scene changed. We were in an open prairie with a flat, endless road stretching out in front of us. We were galloping. Jesus’ arms braced the girl as we raced forward. What lay at the end of this road? I didn’t know. But we pressed on. It was as if Jesus was furiously fighting a battle against time, distance and space, with a sword in His hand. Nothing would be able to stand in the way of His passion. There was nothing He wouldn’t do to save this tiny girl.
I looked down to where the girl sat, tucked away against Jesus’ chest, wildly bouncing with the galloping of the horse. And then it happened... The thread snapped. The last breath of life slipped away.
The horses came to an abrupt halt. Somehow they knew. The pounding of my heart within my head threatened my consciousness. Jesus again dismounted and knelt to the ground, this time with her empty body. I fell to the ground, a desperation that I had never felt before surfacing within my entire being. The screaming that had been in my head before, now violently escaped my lips.
“WHY?!!!!!” Fury hit me like a storm. WHY?!!!! You knew that she was going to die? Why did you do it? Why did you take me with you all the way into hell when you knew that it was a futile mission? Why did you leave all the others to try to save a life that was already gone? Why would you risk your life and waste your breath when you knew that she was just going to die in your arms? Why, Jesus, WHY?!!!
Jesus remained kneeling with her tiny body still in His arms. Bending over and slowly rocking, He pressed His forehead against hers and whispered the words, “I will love you.” He wiped the crusted blood from her eyes. “I will love you.” He ran His fingers through her matted hair, slowly working His way through the tangles. “I will love you.” He kissed every one of her scars.
And then He released a cry to the heavens that silenced my accusations and made my heart stand still. It was a cry that ached with all the emotion that had ever been experienced by earth. It seemed to stretch on endlessly.
But slowly it died off. Then I heard the words, “Ellie, will you follow me?”
I had no strength left. I lay pressed against the earth, feeling like I could just melt away, become part of the ground beneath me or just be blown off into nothingness. I was empty of everything. But somehow I was overpowered by a strength that was not my own. I found myself being peeled from the dust, though no hands touched me.
We turned off the road, no longer on our horses but on foot, to a beautiful oasis in the middle of the desert. In the center there was a beautiful pond. The water in this pond goes beyond description. The water was liquid Life. It was crystal clear yet the deepest blue imaginable. It was pure Light. Jesus gently lowered her now lovely body into the water. No longer was she stained, scarred, broken or bloody. Her chestnut hair lay in tousled curls over her shoulders. A faint but gentle smile graced her lips. Her clear face spoke of untold joys. She was clothed in a white dress and wore a crown of flowers. It was how she was originally created. As she slowly sank into the water, she exploded in light and then disappeared.
I still could not wrap my mind around what had just happened. Jesus turned His face to heaven.
“Father, receive this precious one today. Take her into your arms and hold her. Rejoice for I have delivered your daughter to the gates of heaven today. She is fully restored. Today we have victory for this one has found her way home to You.”
Jesus stood and began to leave. But then He turned back. This time His gaze was completely fixed on me. His eyes burned with such fire and passion. I trembled inside. “Who are you?” I was barely able to whisper. The fire in His eyes spoke to my spirit.
I am Alpha and Omega. I am the Beginning and the End. I am the First and the Last. I am Lord over all. I am Ruler of heaven and earth. I am King of kings. I am the perfect Lamb of God. I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. I am Salvation. I am Heaven. I am Eternity. And I am Love.
Then He spoke those words again. I knew what they meant. I knew what they meant before they were even spoken. This was not a one time thing. Jesus had a crazy obsession with "the one." He would stop for the one. He would fight for the one. He would risk it all for the one. He would die for the one. Nothing would stop Him. Numbers would not stop Him from His focus on the one. Everything He did for the one was worth it, even if He knew she would die in His arms on the road to freedom. It was worth it to Him. She was worth it.
So, not for the last time He asked me, “Ellie, will you follow me?”
It was there in the grass that I tried to process through what I was feeling and experiencing...
Earlier that day I sat with 20 little girls who were the victims of this cruel reality. Every one of them had been preyed upon by the dark souls of men. Sold into slavery, they had become subject to a living hell of having to sell their tiny bodies. And now, miraculously, they found themselves rescued out of the place of daily physical oppression. But were they really rescued? Were they not still slaves to torment? Were they not still oppressed by the darkness within themselves?
From the first day I met these broken yet beautiful souls, I struggled with this impossible question - what do I have to offer?
What do you say to someone so buried by pain you can't even see them when you look into their eyes? How can you express love through a hug when touch means absolutely nothing?
That morning I had held one of those precious ones in my arms, trying to break through to the spirit that was so hopelessly lost somewhere deep within herself. Tears slowly rolled down her dark little face, yet there was no emotion in her eyes. She didn't fight me holding her, yet neither did she respond to the love I offered, sitting there limp and lifeless like a used up dish-rag.
What do you do with that?
So I retreated to the garden, trying not to succumb to the despair I felt growing inside of me. Emotionally exhausted, I sprawled myself out on the grass, hoping for some alleviation from my turmoil. As I lay there, I felt Jesus come to me and say, "Ellie, I want to take you somewhere."
I was then with Him. We were both mounted on horses, standing on the ledge of a cliff overlooking an infinite valley. This valley was as far as the eye could see. A complete wasteland. No living thing to be found. And strewn across this valley was utter carnage. It was an unimaginable scene. A complete blood-bath. A holocaust unlike anything the earth had ever experienced. Bodies lay everywhere, not just covering the land, but covering the land in layers. There was not a single patch of land that was not covered in blood, filth and distorted flesh.
"Ellie, will you follow me?" Jesus asked the question I most dreaded to hear. I followed his gaze down towards the base of the cliff where there stood a vast and terrible gate. This was the gate of hell. So He wants to storm through the gate of hell? I couldn’t imagine how on earth we would be able to save them all, but I knew that I trusted Jesus. So yes, I would follow Him.
We started making our way down a path that was carved into the side of the cliff. It’s hard to call it a path, because it was more like a random connection of vertical rock faces hazardously protruding form the wall of the cliff. It was a meticulous process trying to guide our horses down the side of the cliff. It felt like the scene in The Return of the King, when Frodo, Sam and Gollum climb up the path into Mordor. But this was worse.
At any moment, I knew I could be joining the scene below me. I could feel the tension in my horse’s body, the strenuous breathing, the sweat on his sides, the sound of scraping from his hooves sliding on the rock. I had to lean back as far as I could, clinging on for dear life, afraid of passing out and sliding off the back of my horse. It felt like an endless path. We were literally dropping into hell. Would we ever reach the bottom?
But then we stopped.
We had reached the entrance that led to the gate. The gate of hell. We paused there for just a moment. A suspense-filled pause. But it wasn’t a hesitation. There was no doubt or uncertainty in the way Jesus stopped and faced Hell. It was a fixation of will. It was a determined pause. It was like the intentional breath of a symphony. An emphasis on what lay ahead.
As we proceeded forward I could feel everything within me screaming to turn around and save myself. Why would anyone ever willingly go into hell? But I knew why. I knew that Jesus had come to claim His just reward. He had paid the price to free every single person from hell. He couldn't just leave them there.
So I followed Him in.
The gate opened before us, receiving us in. It was as if it was glad to usher in more prisoners.
And then it shut behind us. Silence.
There was no movement in this place. It was completely stripped of life. We stood there at the gate. There was nowhere to go. The carnage pressed itself against the door step of hell. My head began to spin. My breathing came in short gasps. I could not focus my vision on anything. The immensity of everything began to impede on my normal body functions. It took all my will power to restrain myself from throwing up or passing out. The screaming in my head just got louder. There was nothing we could do against this. Even with an army of 100,000, all with horses and carts, there was no way we could do anything against the vast number of casualties. The hope was sucked out of my soul.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jesus dismount. Again I followed His gaze and found that it was completely fixed on a body that lay closest to the gate. Jesus fell to His knees where the body lay. As I looked closer, I saw that the body had to have been a girl, maybe 10 years old judging by her size. But it was difficult to make out any human features. She was a distorted mess of flesh, completely torn to shreds. There was nothing left to her. I saw that her chest was still rising and falling, but even that thread of life was so weak and hopeless.
I watched as Jesus wrapped His arms around her frail body and whispered the words, “I will love you. I will love you. I will love you.” With strength and determination He scooped her up, her frame being but a vapor that I knew would escape at any moment.
Jesus mounted His horse and then looked at me. “Ellie, will you follow me?” My stomach completely dropped. I thought that once inside of hell, I would be begging Jesus to leave again. But choosing to follow Him out was even more difficult.
You are going to leave with just one? And one that has no hope of surviving? We risked everything to get down here. I followed you into Hell to take back what has been stolen! At least we have to save as many numbers as we can.
But there was urgency in the way Jesus looked at me and asked that question, “Ellie, will you follow me?” Time was everything. So I turned my horse to follow His.
I braced myself to make my way up the path again, but then the scene changed. We were in an open prairie with a flat, endless road stretching out in front of us. We were galloping. Jesus’ arms braced the girl as we raced forward. What lay at the end of this road? I didn’t know. But we pressed on. It was as if Jesus was furiously fighting a battle against time, distance and space, with a sword in His hand. Nothing would be able to stand in the way of His passion. There was nothing He wouldn’t do to save this tiny girl.
I looked down to where the girl sat, tucked away against Jesus’ chest, wildly bouncing with the galloping of the horse. And then it happened... The thread snapped. The last breath of life slipped away.
The horses came to an abrupt halt. Somehow they knew. The pounding of my heart within my head threatened my consciousness. Jesus again dismounted and knelt to the ground, this time with her empty body. I fell to the ground, a desperation that I had never felt before surfacing within my entire being. The screaming that had been in my head before, now violently escaped my lips.
“WHY?!!!!!” Fury hit me like a storm. WHY?!!!! You knew that she was going to die? Why did you do it? Why did you take me with you all the way into hell when you knew that it was a futile mission? Why did you leave all the others to try to save a life that was already gone? Why would you risk your life and waste your breath when you knew that she was just going to die in your arms? Why, Jesus, WHY?!!!
Jesus remained kneeling with her tiny body still in His arms. Bending over and slowly rocking, He pressed His forehead against hers and whispered the words, “I will love you.” He wiped the crusted blood from her eyes. “I will love you.” He ran His fingers through her matted hair, slowly working His way through the tangles. “I will love you.” He kissed every one of her scars.
And then He released a cry to the heavens that silenced my accusations and made my heart stand still. It was a cry that ached with all the emotion that had ever been experienced by earth. It seemed to stretch on endlessly.
But slowly it died off. Then I heard the words, “Ellie, will you follow me?”
I had no strength left. I lay pressed against the earth, feeling like I could just melt away, become part of the ground beneath me or just be blown off into nothingness. I was empty of everything. But somehow I was overpowered by a strength that was not my own. I found myself being peeled from the dust, though no hands touched me.
We turned off the road, no longer on our horses but on foot, to a beautiful oasis in the middle of the desert. In the center there was a beautiful pond. The water in this pond goes beyond description. The water was liquid Life. It was crystal clear yet the deepest blue imaginable. It was pure Light. Jesus gently lowered her now lovely body into the water. No longer was she stained, scarred, broken or bloody. Her chestnut hair lay in tousled curls over her shoulders. A faint but gentle smile graced her lips. Her clear face spoke of untold joys. She was clothed in a white dress and wore a crown of flowers. It was how she was originally created. As she slowly sank into the water, she exploded in light and then disappeared.
I still could not wrap my mind around what had just happened. Jesus turned His face to heaven.
“Father, receive this precious one today. Take her into your arms and hold her. Rejoice for I have delivered your daughter to the gates of heaven today. She is fully restored. Today we have victory for this one has found her way home to You.”
Jesus stood and began to leave. But then He turned back. This time His gaze was completely fixed on me. His eyes burned with such fire and passion. I trembled inside. “Who are you?” I was barely able to whisper. The fire in His eyes spoke to my spirit.
I am Alpha and Omega. I am the Beginning and the End. I am the First and the Last. I am Lord over all. I am Ruler of heaven and earth. I am King of kings. I am the perfect Lamb of God. I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. I am Salvation. I am Heaven. I am Eternity. And I am Love.
Then He spoke those words again. I knew what they meant. I knew what they meant before they were even spoken. This was not a one time thing. Jesus had a crazy obsession with "the one." He would stop for the one. He would fight for the one. He would risk it all for the one. He would die for the one. Nothing would stop Him. Numbers would not stop Him from His focus on the one. Everything He did for the one was worth it, even if He knew she would die in His arms on the road to freedom. It was worth it to Him. She was worth it.
So, not for the last time He asked me, “Ellie, will you follow me?”
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Could it happen again?
Last summer I casually decided to read The Autobiography of Martin Luther King, Jr. I was in need of a good read and I had purchased it on Amazon back in the spring as I thought it would be interesting to read up on King's life. I knew my basic US history - the boycotts, the march on Washington D.C., "I have a dream" - all the stuff you get taught in school. So, needless to say, I was blown out of the water by what I read through the pages of King's life and message.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Well it's been 22 years...
Well friends, it's been exactly 22 years since I made my debut into this world. I don't remember it very well, but I hear it was a great day! ;)
22 feels like a big deal for me. I know it's not a far stretch from 21. It literally is one day following another. It's not very easy to track change and growth when looking at it that way. But it's always so interesting for me to watch the pages of my life turn. One after the next. After the next. After the next. After the next. The steady flow of a life in motion.
I don't know if it's just me, but I frequently think about the past, present and future and how each flows into the next. I think about the present moment and how within an hour it will be the past. Or how I am sitting in this present moment thinking about a future moment and how when I eventually reach that moment I will think back to that now past moment when I had initially thought of the now present moment. (You may have to read that paragraph a couple more times to actually get it!)
Let me give an example so that I can make my abstract brain language make more sense to you.
I remember a time, probably 7 years ago, sitting in the backseat of a car, silently pondering what my life would be like in say 5 years. I remember thinking about how real my present reality was - the feel of the leather seats I was sitting on, the bouncing and the jolting of the car, the sound of the radio playing through the speakers, the Colorado mountain scene passing me by on the windy road. All of it was so real to me then.
But I remember thinking about how weird it was that in 5 years I would perhaps think back to that moment, but everything would be different. My perspective would, instead of looking forward from that moment into the unknown expanse, be looking back on that moment through a lens of 5 years of life. Stories, experiences, growth, change. I would look back through that same expanse, but I would be able to see all of the landmarks that spread across that space.
That's enough to make your mind dizzy!
I love keeping a journal. It has been one of my favorite things in the world since I was a little girl. I have journals on my bookshelf from the time I was 5 years old! Back when I was younger it was more so the romantic notion of writing "Dear diary" at each heading and fantasizing about how someday somebody would find my journals and want to turn them into a book.
Since then journaling has developed into a deep love for writing, a place for my creativity to be expressed, a place where I can be raw, messy and vulnerable, a dialogue between myself and Jesus and a safe harbor in which my heart can rest. But one of my favorite things about journaling is how I can flip back to so many moments of my life and get to experience that past, present and future phenomenon I just described.
This is the wonder of perspective. And this is why the journey of life, the flipping of each page, the writing of each story is such a marvel! It takes time. It takes patience. It takes steadiness. Sometimes it is exciting and full of momentum. Other times it is monotonous or excruciatingly painful. Sometimes it is what you expected. More often it turns out nothing like you had thought it would. No matter, without each season, without each chapter you cannot gain the perspective of a life lived out in all it's diversity.
So I stand here, on the finished side of a whopping 22 years. But it's with great humility that I look on wide-eyed towards the uncharted 22 that lies before me. I am, right now, completely ignorant in the ways of my future. But I know my Guide. And He has never led me astray, no not once.
I kind of feel like I'm jumping into a year where I am going to feel so clueless, in over my head, unqualified and overwhelmed in so many ways. And I can't wait! I said before that 22 feels big for me. I can't say exactly why. God keeps speaking to me about 22. But He doesn't actually say what exactly about 22. Just 22... So we'll see. I just can't wait to look back on this post about my thoughts in this moment of turning 22 in say another 5 years!
22 feels like a big deal for me. I know it's not a far stretch from 21. It literally is one day following another. It's not very easy to track change and growth when looking at it that way. But it's always so interesting for me to watch the pages of my life turn. One after the next. After the next. After the next. After the next. The steady flow of a life in motion.
I don't know if it's just me, but I frequently think about the past, present and future and how each flows into the next. I think about the present moment and how within an hour it will be the past. Or how I am sitting in this present moment thinking about a future moment and how when I eventually reach that moment I will think back to that now past moment when I had initially thought of the now present moment. (You may have to read that paragraph a couple more times to actually get it!)
Let me give an example so that I can make my abstract brain language make more sense to you.
I remember a time, probably 7 years ago, sitting in the backseat of a car, silently pondering what my life would be like in say 5 years. I remember thinking about how real my present reality was - the feel of the leather seats I was sitting on, the bouncing and the jolting of the car, the sound of the radio playing through the speakers, the Colorado mountain scene passing me by on the windy road. All of it was so real to me then. But I remember thinking about how weird it was that in 5 years I would perhaps think back to that moment, but everything would be different. My perspective would, instead of looking forward from that moment into the unknown expanse, be looking back on that moment through a lens of 5 years of life. Stories, experiences, growth, change. I would look back through that same expanse, but I would be able to see all of the landmarks that spread across that space.
That's enough to make your mind dizzy!
I love keeping a journal. It has been one of my favorite things in the world since I was a little girl. I have journals on my bookshelf from the time I was 5 years old! Back when I was younger it was more so the romantic notion of writing "Dear diary" at each heading and fantasizing about how someday somebody would find my journals and want to turn them into a book.
Since then journaling has developed into a deep love for writing, a place for my creativity to be expressed, a place where I can be raw, messy and vulnerable, a dialogue between myself and Jesus and a safe harbor in which my heart can rest. But one of my favorite things about journaling is how I can flip back to so many moments of my life and get to experience that past, present and future phenomenon I just described.
This is the wonder of perspective. And this is why the journey of life, the flipping of each page, the writing of each story is such a marvel! It takes time. It takes patience. It takes steadiness. Sometimes it is exciting and full of momentum. Other times it is monotonous or excruciatingly painful. Sometimes it is what you expected. More often it turns out nothing like you had thought it would. No matter, without each season, without each chapter you cannot gain the perspective of a life lived out in all it's diversity.
So I stand here, on the finished side of a whopping 22 years. But it's with great humility that I look on wide-eyed towards the uncharted 22 that lies before me. I am, right now, completely ignorant in the ways of my future. But I know my Guide. And He has never led me astray, no not once.
I kind of feel like I'm jumping into a year where I am going to feel so clueless, in over my head, unqualified and overwhelmed in so many ways. And I can't wait! I said before that 22 feels big for me. I can't say exactly why. God keeps speaking to me about 22. But He doesn't actually say what exactly about 22. Just 22... So we'll see. I just can't wait to look back on this post about my thoughts in this moment of turning 22 in say another 5 years!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Crossing Over
Every time the New Years comes around it's super easy to go into reflection mode. This past year was so not what I was expecting. In many ways it was better than what I ever could have planned for. And then in other ways it was a ton more painful than what I had planned for. There were so many twists and turns in events that I almost felt like I stumbled out of 2013 in a dizzy stupor.
I knew that 2013 was going to be a year that would mark me forever. Well that's for sure! I guess when I thought of "being marked" I didn't picture the searing pain of my flesh being burned from being branded. That'll most definitely leave some scar tissue.
But I find that those marks have come to make who I am. Even though I experienced disappointment of the acutest kind, I was able to walk away with a hope filled mindset. Even though I experienced such deep trauma while holding little girls who had been raped everyday for years, I walked away with a burning passion for God's justice. Even though I was struck down by the fear of stepping into an unknown, unstable life of full-time ministry, I am walking into a deeper trust in my Savior than I have ever known.
So 2014... What on earth are you going to bring?
There have been many words that have been stirring in my spirit but the one resounding theme that rings clear as a bell is... It's time to possess the land!
I love the promises of the Lord. They are what keeps me going. In those times that I was so tempted to throw in the towel and forget pursuing any of my life's dreams, the promises He has given me have pulled me back into the race. But when are we going to move past the Jordan River of dream-boards and prophetic words and actually take hold of the promises?
For some reason I always pictured the Promised Land as this magical place that once you got there, all of the promises come true and you kind of live happily ever after. Unfortunately that's not biblical.
Right before Joshua led the children of Israel across the Jordan and into the Promised Land, the Lord commanded Joshua to "be strong and courageous." Why would they need to be strong or courageous if they were about to step into all the promises that they had been waiting for for hundreds of years? Wasn't it going to be handed over to them in a nice envelope with "don't spend it all at once" printed neatly on top?
That picture doesn't take into account the hostile giants that live in the land, or the vicious beasts that roam around, or the fortified cities that stand in the way. Why on earth would God allow those things to still be living in the Promised Land once His people have crossed over?
The waiting in the wilderness wasn't just God punishing the children of Israel for unbelief. He saw that the people weren't ready to possess the land. So for 40 years He put them through intense training, training that strengthened them. So on the day that the Jordan River loomed in front of them, they knew that they had been in preparation not just for a dip in a rushing river; they had been prepared for a massive war that would require strength, courage and complete dependency on the Spirit's leading.
For lack of a better way to put it, I don't think God wants a bunch of brats who just get what that want. That being said, I know that He is not wanting a bunch of over-achieving, performance driven kids. Therein lies the tension. Sometimes all we can do is receive as sons and daughters, without doing a single thing. And other times we need to actually fight for what we are going to receive.
For me, I have been in this perpetual waiting season - praying for the promises, waiting, resting in God's goodness, waiting, dreaming with God, waiting...
But now I am starting to hear a different tune. The time is NOW! Leave the wilderness behind in all it's pain and glory. You've given your absolute yes as you crossed the great divide of fear and unbelief. Now it's time to slay some giants and capture some fortified cities. It's time to possess the great inheritance He has stored up for you!
Highlights from this past year:
- Going to Spanish immersion school for 2 months and getting to witness to a different "profesora" every week.
- Visiting the Waorani tribe in the Amazon (where Jim Elliot gave his life to see the gospel preached) and getting to trek through the rain forrest, do tribal dances and enjoy getting to know the beautiful Waorani people. The Indigenous Sound of the Amazon
- Spending Valentine's Day passing out roses to prostitutes and drug dealers in Quito, Ecuador, giving love to those who don't know real love. What is Behind Their Eyes?
- Seeing revival break out in the girl's prison in Ecuador! Let the Caged Bird Fly & Jesus loves hanging out in prisons...
- Helping lead the Bethel missions trip in Ecuador and seeing signs and wonders break out.
- Running my first half marathon in Steamboat Springs, CO!
- Driving cross country with my sister Grace from California to Colorado.
- Spending 2 weeks on the beach in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with my family. If being beach bums wasn't enough, we got to go on a sailing tour, swim with dolphins, snorkel on deserted islands, etc...
- Going to Hillside Worship Intensive in Harrisburg, PA and playing on a worship team for the first time.
- Moving to the East Coast and becoming a part of the Burn 24-7 family.
- Doing outreach in Salem, MA during the Halloween witch festival. If you're ever in Salem during Halloween...
- Spending Christmas with my entire family. We came in from all corners of the country!
I knew that 2013 was going to be a year that would mark me forever. Well that's for sure! I guess when I thought of "being marked" I didn't picture the searing pain of my flesh being burned from being branded. That'll most definitely leave some scar tissue.
But I find that those marks have come to make who I am. Even though I experienced disappointment of the acutest kind, I was able to walk away with a hope filled mindset. Even though I experienced such deep trauma while holding little girls who had been raped everyday for years, I walked away with a burning passion for God's justice. Even though I was struck down by the fear of stepping into an unknown, unstable life of full-time ministry, I am walking into a deeper trust in my Savior than I have ever known.
So 2014... What on earth are you going to bring?
There have been many words that have been stirring in my spirit but the one resounding theme that rings clear as a bell is... It's time to possess the land!
I love the promises of the Lord. They are what keeps me going. In those times that I was so tempted to throw in the towel and forget pursuing any of my life's dreams, the promises He has given me have pulled me back into the race. But when are we going to move past the Jordan River of dream-boards and prophetic words and actually take hold of the promises?
For some reason I always pictured the Promised Land as this magical place that once you got there, all of the promises come true and you kind of live happily ever after. Unfortunately that's not biblical.
Right before Joshua led the children of Israel across the Jordan and into the Promised Land, the Lord commanded Joshua to "be strong and courageous." Why would they need to be strong or courageous if they were about to step into all the promises that they had been waiting for for hundreds of years? Wasn't it going to be handed over to them in a nice envelope with "don't spend it all at once" printed neatly on top?
That picture doesn't take into account the hostile giants that live in the land, or the vicious beasts that roam around, or the fortified cities that stand in the way. Why on earth would God allow those things to still be living in the Promised Land once His people have crossed over?
The waiting in the wilderness wasn't just God punishing the children of Israel for unbelief. He saw that the people weren't ready to possess the land. So for 40 years He put them through intense training, training that strengthened them. So on the day that the Jordan River loomed in front of them, they knew that they had been in preparation not just for a dip in a rushing river; they had been prepared for a massive war that would require strength, courage and complete dependency on the Spirit's leading.
For lack of a better way to put it, I don't think God wants a bunch of brats who just get what that want. That being said, I know that He is not wanting a bunch of over-achieving, performance driven kids. Therein lies the tension. Sometimes all we can do is receive as sons and daughters, without doing a single thing. And other times we need to actually fight for what we are going to receive.
For me, I have been in this perpetual waiting season - praying for the promises, waiting, resting in God's goodness, waiting, dreaming with God, waiting...
But now I am starting to hear a different tune. The time is NOW! Leave the wilderness behind in all it's pain and glory. You've given your absolute yes as you crossed the great divide of fear and unbelief. Now it's time to slay some giants and capture some fortified cities. It's time to possess the great inheritance He has stored up for you!
Highlights from this past year:
- Going to Spanish immersion school for 2 months and getting to witness to a different "profesora" every week.
- Visiting the Waorani tribe in the Amazon (where Jim Elliot gave his life to see the gospel preached) and getting to trek through the rain forrest, do tribal dances and enjoy getting to know the beautiful Waorani people. The Indigenous Sound of the Amazon
- Spending Valentine's Day passing out roses to prostitutes and drug dealers in Quito, Ecuador, giving love to those who don't know real love. What is Behind Their Eyes?
- Seeing revival break out in the girl's prison in Ecuador! Let the Caged Bird Fly & Jesus loves hanging out in prisons...
- Helping lead the Bethel missions trip in Ecuador and seeing signs and wonders break out.
- Running my first half marathon in Steamboat Springs, CO!
- Driving cross country with my sister Grace from California to Colorado.
- Spending 2 weeks on the beach in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with my family. If being beach bums wasn't enough, we got to go on a sailing tour, swim with dolphins, snorkel on deserted islands, etc...
- Going to Hillside Worship Intensive in Harrisburg, PA and playing on a worship team for the first time.
- Moving to the East Coast and becoming a part of the Burn 24-7 family.
- Doing outreach in Salem, MA during the Halloween witch festival. If you're ever in Salem during Halloween...
- Spending Christmas with my entire family. We came in from all corners of the country!
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