An un-calloused heart

It's my joy to lay my life down.
Cuz when I lose my life for your sake it will be found.

I've had this song playing in my head all morning and it seems to be the anthem of my heart over the past few weeks.

It seems that too often we trumpet the message of "sold out" devotion to Jesus and laying it all down for the sake of the Gospel; we all want to wow the world with our passion and vision for changing the world.  But we often forget that laying out lives down means a whole lot more than packing our suitcases to fly to some country, or being the first to run up to the altar at some big conference.  I'm pretty sure if you asked any goat or lamb who has ever laid down on the altar, they would tell you that the ambition to wow a bunch of people was the furthest thing from their minds!

Or let's look at what Jesus did.  John 15:13 says, "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends."  What does it look like to lay your life down?  For this generation it often looks like joining an non-profit organization or jumping on the awareness bandwagon.  Or in my experience at ministry schools, it looks like pursuing the itinerate lifestyle - having your own ministry where you get invited all over the world to do big healing and prophetic events.

OK I'm not saying any of this is bad...  I am living a life that involves these elements to some degree.  However, the point I would like to make is - does this equate to the laid down life that Jesus was talking about?  Do our aspirations of becoming "rockstars" in the Christian (or non-Christian) world, fulfill our calling to sacrifice?

I've been pondering this idea of true sacrifice in regards to my life and where the Lord has placed me in this season.  What does laying my life down look like in the inner-city of Harrisburg, PA?  What does laying my life down look like living in a house of 20 some people?  What does laying my life down in the context of community and ministry?

I don't have all the answers, but if there's anything I've learned, even in my time living as an overseas missionary, it is that laying your life down for something or someone is very rarely a glamorous ordeal.  In fact, it usually feels hard - you would rather be doing anything other than sacrificing in the moment, and you hope for some excuse to get out of actually doing what you committed to do.  Or when you do sacrifice, it feels small and insignificant; nobody is watching you and you feel completely hidden.  And then there is the moment of shift when you realize all your ambitions of having 100 really amazing testimonies of how everything and everyone was transformed the minute you stepped onto the scene, actually turned into you sitting with one little kid who could care less about the craft that you had all planned out.

Maybe a harsh example...  But it is so true!  We want the glory stories.  Those are the ones people want to hear.  People don't necessarily want to hear about the one person you spent a couple hours with but didn't see converted.  But I believe that's what laying your life down looks like.  It means laying down every single ambition for personal glory.  It means throwing apathy out the window every... single... day.

I had a dream the other night and in my dream I was praying for someone and I kept declaring over and over again, "God, tear off the callus from their heart!"  I've been praying into that dream and it has become a prayer for myself.  God, tear off any callous that is on my heart!  I want to love like you loved, Jesus!  I want to lay my life down as you did, in order to love on the people you have called me to love on.  I do not want to live my life

So going back to the lyrics of that song, I find that although laying one's life down is anything but glamorous, it produces, however, the most joyous rewards a life could produce.  There is so much joy in the laying down of your own life ambitions in order to serve another person's life.  Learning to love like Jesus loves - sacrificial love - is our highest privilege.  We find our life's true meaning in that place.

I had all of this on my heart as I prepped for and served at the harvest party that we threw for the families in our neighborhood.  200 people showed up in the pouring rain to receive a free chili meal as well as a free professional family portrait.  The entire night I was running (literally) between the overcrowded kitchen full of pots of chili and the big white tents outside that were sheltering everyone from the freezing cold downpour, making sure that everything ran smoothly and everyone was getting fed.

I think back to the moments I was dragging trash bags out of the kitchen or was helping a mother of 3 carry her pie and chili to the table, and I wonder how I can even write a semi-interesting blog on something like that.  I didn't get to sit down for more than 5 minutes at a time to talk to the neighbors and love them like I would have liked to.  But... I saw them as they walked away and I saw the joy written on their faces.  I watched as our team sat in the cold to share a meal with the drug dealer or the single mom living in poverty.  I saw the children with their faces painted as animals, running around, laughing in delight.  It was such a dismal day for our much anticipated party, but love really did break through as each volunteer served in some small yet significant way.

When did it ever have anything to do with me?  When did the definition of sacrifice and servanthood ever involve self-gratification?  Ministry was never designed to somehow validate self-worth and self-importance.  How can we consider it humility when we take the low road while having the intentions of being seen, applauded and then promoted to the high seat of honor?  It's time to lay that all down and die!  If I'm never seen, if I never get patted on the back and if I never get favor or honor by men, I want to continue to see my life as a success before my Savior.  I want to lose sight of my life, in a sense.  But then I want to stumble upon HIS life and have that become the sight that my being is fixed upon.

John 12:24
Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much fruit.

The lovely volunteers