The picture was of me dancing on top of a gigantic map of the entire world. This person told me, "You are called to the nations. You are going to see transformation in the nations through your worship and dance. But God wants you to know that you don't even have to wait until you are in the nations. He is going to use you even from your home to release revival to the nations of the world."
As I was remembering this word, Jesus began to elaborate on a word that He gave me 2 years ago but was only now actually breathing upon. He told me that He was calling me to be planted in a home. He was not going to send me overseas again right away. He told me that He was calling me to the house of prayer, the place of worship and intercession. It was there that He wanted to truly give me His heart for the nations. Even though I would not be living in the nations, He wanted to teach me how I could impact the world through worship while being planted in America.
It's one thing to have a heart for a nation when you are there living in that nation, surrounded by the culture, seeing up close all of the injustices that thrive in that place. That becomes your reality and so your heart is forced to respond in some shape or form. But what does that look like when you are back in the all-consuming reality of Western, American life? You no longer see the faces, no longer have the conversations, no longer hear the cries. It becomes a distant and "imagined" reality. That is when you truly need God's heart in order to love all the peoples of the world.
I thought I had God's heart for the nations. I mean, I lived in South America for 8 months. I did the missionary thing. I know the daily grind of being a long-term missionary. But when I came back to America I had a massive reality check. Did I really learn to love? Am I even called to the nations? At the end of the day, is it even worth it? Is loving these people worth the pain? What happens when I run out of love?
After months of wrestling with these hard questions, walking through dark days where I didn't know if I even wanted to love the nations, I saw that my own love was most definitely not enough. My heart is only so big. My love is only so strong. It has a beginning and an end. And once I reach the end, then what? But His love is not so.
So why would He call me to a house of prayer in America if He wanted to give me His heart for the nations? Therein lies the paradox that I find myself in the middle of. I am learning that it is impossible to draw close to God's heart in the place of worship without getting His heart for the world. The more time you spend gazing at this God of love, the more you come face to face with the emotions of His heart; you see what it is that His love is turned towards. The place of intimacy with Jesus inevitably leads to a call to missions - whatever that looks like for each individual. Some will be called to go live in a remote village, others will be called to the arena of business suits and ties; the point being that you can't fall in love with Jesus without falling in love with the world.
There have been different occasions in my life where I would say I experienced a very deep, emotional place of God's heart. These have not been flowery, magical moments where I felt the "I'm on top of the world" kind of love for the nations. They have been excruciatingly painful, anything but pretty, humiliating and unorthodox moments. But I would so much rather be on the floor in a puddle of tears and snot and really know what God feels for the world, than to go "dancing through life, skimming the surface."
Now let it be known that I have the theology that God is in a good mood. Too many people in the Church see God as an angry, old man who is waiting for us to mess up so He can punish us. He is a far cry from that ridiculous image! He is a God that delights in us with rejoicing, wild spinning and whoops of outrageous happiness over each of us. That being true, He is neither one faced in His character, only being a God of joy. God feels every emotion in it's fullest form for God is emotion in it's fullest form. I feel like even less of the Church truly sees the weeping God. We all love the joy and laughter that comes as we experience His delight, but not many of us would choose the suffering of God's heart.
But this is this is what He is looking for, and is one of the reasons He called me here in this season - He is looking for those that want to know what He feels, for those that He can trust with the deep things of His heart. It is as we experience the deep emotions of God's heart that all self-motivation is ripped out of us. If we rush into the nations without this key, it becomes too easy to lose sight of why we are doing what we are doing. He wants to trust us with the nations, with strategies to solve all the problems of the earth, with a global harvest of billions of souls; but He first wants to see if He can trust us with His heart.
So as I find myself weeping on the church floor or in the quiet of my car in the city of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, wondering if the pain is worth it when I really can't do anything from where I'm at, Jesus simply whispers, "Exactly! It's not about what you can do, how amazing you are at loving people, or the vision and passion you have to impact the nations. You tried that, remember? You are here to get my heart for the nations."
So here I am, a 21 year old girl from Colorado, burning for worship and missions, living on the East Coast of the US, wondering how on earth I got out here. But I find that I am smack-dab in the very middle of His will and there's no place I would rather be. I don't want another encounter where I walk away unchanged. I want to be so ravished by His heart of justice and compassion for the world that that becomes my every waking moment reality. I know that it is worth it, so I keep saying Yes!!!
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